I am grateful. For Angela, my beautiful sister. Always my champion, Always someone I can be proud of, and brag about. I am grateful that her kids have someone to fight for them. I am grateful that when she sees an injustice and that something will be hard, she fights harder, with more determination, not less. I am grateful that I can pour my heart out to her in just the way I would and she accepts and loves every part. I am so grateful to have that connection with another human being.
I am grateful for my family: Jeff, Eddie, and Maggie. My reasons always, but also hilarious, cute, smart, cuddly, sweet people. My people. I am so grateful to have people.
I am grateful for my career, my profession, my professional family, my school, my kids. I am so grateful that I knew enough to know, even at a young age, that this would be the career for me. I am so grateful that Popi loved me and paid for my school and my many, many mistakes to get to this point. I hope he can see me and know that his actions are still impacting this earth in positive ways.
I am so grateful for my grandparents and their love and support of my parents. I can feel the power of my ancestors inside me. The fact that we are here is a miracle. I pray that I keep an ever-deepening sense of awe about me.
This will be our first Thanksgiving as a family that is in love with each other, not running, but so, so happy to be here. I am so thankful that God spoke and I finally listened. I am so grateful to be free.
PS. Also supes grateful for all there is to read on my Kindle and elsewhere. And writing. And naps. And long runs, yoga, and breath. Love, love, love.
Friday, November 17, 2017
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Dreams and Things
Last night's dreams were critical of my principal and school. Teachers are the only ones to get the feedback, and it's usually not timely or directly offered. Which makes it feel like people are just judging and not trying to help.
Yesterday was the craziest: I have a student who is leaving school because he has cancer. He is going to be homeschooled while he goes through treatment. These kids have no idea how to handle it. Another girl--who I know was a cutter last year--told me her cousin killed herself by overdosing on pills. And another--all in the same class--was crying because she was put on the 3rd string basketball team, even tho she is far and away the strongest player in the school. Because she has a bad attitude. From last season. I don't agree.
We are here to help these kids develop. We must help nurture as well as teach content. They cannot be separated, and yet, so many of these kids complain that their teachers lack the ability or willingness to connect and have any empathy for what they are going through. This week as we've been writing, kids have had a voice, much more of a voice than usual, and I have loved my job. Train them to find the warm up. Give a simple direction for them to follow at the start. While they work, I hand out Tiger Tickets (need to find a system for how to reward them in class). Pair-Share is next. This is a great place to start with journaling so that I incorporate daily writing practice. I want this to be a part of everyday life in my class. Build community. Build empathy. Create a safe space and teach these practices of self-awareness in class.
The way I dealt with my arch-nemesis Jennifer. She talked during my entire class. I asked her to go outside. I asked her, "What do you want to feel like when you are walking out of my class to go home today?" Totally baffled her. She said, "Good." And I agreed. We both want to feel good at the end of class. It's simple. We both have to get our needs met, but we will have conflict if we never think about the other person as important as yourself. I just want to be a force for good. I want them to learn how to write and read, but that's the easy part. It's the soul stuff that requires me to grow as a human being on this earth.
I feel so privileged to be here. I feel so privileged to do this work and to be entrusted with these kids. So much gratitude for my life and experiences. So much amazement that I am here.
Yesterday was the craziest: I have a student who is leaving school because he has cancer. He is going to be homeschooled while he goes through treatment. These kids have no idea how to handle it. Another girl--who I know was a cutter last year--told me her cousin killed herself by overdosing on pills. And another--all in the same class--was crying because she was put on the 3rd string basketball team, even tho she is far and away the strongest player in the school. Because she has a bad attitude. From last season. I don't agree.
We are here to help these kids develop. We must help nurture as well as teach content. They cannot be separated, and yet, so many of these kids complain that their teachers lack the ability or willingness to connect and have any empathy for what they are going through. This week as we've been writing, kids have had a voice, much more of a voice than usual, and I have loved my job. Train them to find the warm up. Give a simple direction for them to follow at the start. While they work, I hand out Tiger Tickets (need to find a system for how to reward them in class). Pair-Share is next. This is a great place to start with journaling so that I incorporate daily writing practice. I want this to be a part of everyday life in my class. Build community. Build empathy. Create a safe space and teach these practices of self-awareness in class.
The way I dealt with my arch-nemesis Jennifer. She talked during my entire class. I asked her to go outside. I asked her, "What do you want to feel like when you are walking out of my class to go home today?" Totally baffled her. She said, "Good." And I agreed. We both want to feel good at the end of class. It's simple. We both have to get our needs met, but we will have conflict if we never think about the other person as important as yourself. I just want to be a force for good. I want them to learn how to write and read, but that's the easy part. It's the soul stuff that requires me to grow as a human being on this earth.
I feel so privileged to be here. I feel so privileged to do this work and to be entrusted with these kids. So much gratitude for my life and experiences. So much amazement that I am here.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
morning musings
I started working out again at the end of October. It was hard to get started. I felt creaky and fat. and tired. But I had Wanderlust--a spiritual triathlon yoga festival and 5k to prepare for. With this goal in mind, I downloaded Couch to 5k for the 100th time, and I started run/walking and doing yoga. Well, I ran nearly all of the 5k, did yoga like a champ, loved the shit out of the mindfulness meditation, and felt like I had broken right open in my whole heart. And even though I loved it, it also hurt to be so vulnerable. I realize that I hate being vulnerable and left open to an extent. I have learned to love it and be really pretty good at it in certain situations, but others leave me closed off to the world, hostile, and angry. And when I am busy shielding my vulnerability from people, my empathy turns off like a light switch.
I tried to explain to Edwin why I don't want him to drink alcohol as a young guy. It sounded desperate and scary in my head, my voice did, but I know that just by talking about it, I am doing something. If and when he takes a drink before he moves out on his own, he will be armed with the knowledge and understanding that mom and dad do not approve and there will be no permissiveness around drinking or drugs in our home. When he's an adult, or even just old enough to be in college and on his own, I want him to know that there are people who can drink in a "healthy" way, but alcohol is a neurotoxin and therefore not healthy in any way. Just know what you are ingesting and choosing for your body and be mindful. I would be happy if no one drank anywhere ever again. You are just making the peddlers of poison rich off your illness.
And for the first time, I feel like I really made love and received pleasure. My mantra was "You deserve pleasure." And the difference was, I wasn't trying to perform for Jeff. I wasn't trying to be this amazing giver of pleasure. I was just completely there in the kissing and all of it. And it was hot as shit. We both felt amazing during and after and it was so, so good. This wellness journey, this recovering of me-who I am really is about so much more than sobriety; tho sobriety is what makes it all possible. And I understand that it threatens people who know that I am vibrating at a higher, much higher consciousness than they are. You are scared of me because I represent change, and change hurts. But you know I am right. You know that your days as a "party" person are by definition limited. You can do all of the working-out and dieting that you want, but it all catches us in the end. Choose to know thyself and you will be free. Namaste, bitches.
I tried to explain to Edwin why I don't want him to drink alcohol as a young guy. It sounded desperate and scary in my head, my voice did, but I know that just by talking about it, I am doing something. If and when he takes a drink before he moves out on his own, he will be armed with the knowledge and understanding that mom and dad do not approve and there will be no permissiveness around drinking or drugs in our home. When he's an adult, or even just old enough to be in college and on his own, I want him to know that there are people who can drink in a "healthy" way, but alcohol is a neurotoxin and therefore not healthy in any way. Just know what you are ingesting and choosing for your body and be mindful. I would be happy if no one drank anywhere ever again. You are just making the peddlers of poison rich off your illness.
And for the first time, I feel like I really made love and received pleasure. My mantra was "You deserve pleasure." And the difference was, I wasn't trying to perform for Jeff. I wasn't trying to be this amazing giver of pleasure. I was just completely there in the kissing and all of it. And it was hot as shit. We both felt amazing during and after and it was so, so good. This wellness journey, this recovering of me-who I am really is about so much more than sobriety; tho sobriety is what makes it all possible. And I understand that it threatens people who know that I am vibrating at a higher, much higher consciousness than they are. You are scared of me because I represent change, and change hurts. But you know I am right. You know that your days as a "party" person are by definition limited. You can do all of the working-out and dieting that you want, but it all catches us in the end. Choose to know thyself and you will be free. Namaste, bitches.
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