Love is Hard to Receive

Why do I mistrust my value? This week I have been told that I am a valuable asset at my school: students like me and feel that I care about them; my colleagues appreciate me; my superiors think I am doing a fine job. I am smart. I am doing hard things. I am a loving mother and wife and friend. And yet. A sinking suspicion that I am not actually good enough.  Is this humility or self-loathing? Why does this voice or feeling feel so menacing? Why is it there at all?

I was told yesterday, by someone I respect and trust a great deal- that my "Tier 1" is high level and that I do an excellent job of scaffolding up to the level that I want kids to perform. This is a great compliment. She also was in CTWP with me and said I was a great writer and that she would want to read more of my stuff. It's hard to hear for some reason, and at the same time, I need this recognition and appreciation so badly. I want to write and teach and yoga and mother and have a clean house and money and freedom and a good life. I want it all. I never cared about and loved and appreciated life this much when I was drinking. Damn, my life was small. (Response idea: why it's hard to be told you are actually pretty good at things? Because then you need to set your sights above where you're currently at to grow. You are doing this well, now it's time to add on. And this growing is painful sometimes because you will fail in the process. And you are petrified of failing. You've got to overcome this!)

I feel that my friend circle is too small. That there are only a few people in that group who really care about and are happy for me. I just watched a video on ambivalent relationships and how they are more stressful and destructive than toxic ones. And it's all about the boundaries. Those beautiful things I never used to have. There are truly loving women in that group, and I am grateful for that community. But then there are those who really don't deserve me, or rather, I don't deserve the pain of trying so hard to have a relationship with someone who cannot appreciate me, talk to me on my level, who is dedicated and determined to live a small and surface-level existence. I don't think I want to have relationships with people who have continually rejected me and told me I "over-analyze" everything. I don't want to mess with people who merely tolerate me.

So what to do about this? I feel like I isolate because I am my own favorite company. I love hanging with my family because I can be in my head and they don't make a bunch of demands. I don't have to make small talk. I can do what I want. Going to parties and seeing people is exhausting.

So what do I want to do? I want to take care of my people. I want to save money so that we can do things and have autonomy in our life. I want to be able to help people in need and work because I am dedicated and full of purpose and not because I am desperate. I want to talk to my Creator and be able to hear and appreciate all of the good so that I have the strength to weather the bad. I want to be able to receive what is true and call out my ego for its lies and bullshit. I want to learn and receive and kick ass.

Ambivalence

Fears:

• i am not sure i know how to do my job
• what if i can't handle my facial expressions
• i will have to deal with people again after a long beautiful break from dealing with people
• i can't seem to pray correctly

I am dreading returning to work.  Usually, at this time of the year, I am daydreaming about my classroom.  I have read half of two professional books, but neither of them deals with the real issues of education. Wait!  Why would I say that??  Of course they do.  Literacy IS the education issue.  Our goal is to help kids discover truths and think critically about their world.  How else to facilitate this than to get them reading. I always struggle with confidence and hearing my voice. I am out of practice with being around peeps, but that doesn't mean I can't do it or even that I don't want to do it.  I think I do want to do it, but I know that change is difficult in some ways.  But the fact of the matter is, I like to attend planning sessions because I need the money, but also because I like to see teacher people and I like to know what is going on.  The fact is, I love my job. I am in charge of my attitudes and emotions, my attitudes and emotions do not control me.  For once.

Now some words on sobriety. I really truly feel sorry for people who are caught up helplessly in alcohol addiction and dependence. The kind that is ruining their relationships because they lose control of themselves and they become disgusting. All in the name of fun. I was going to say I would like to send a text and offer my help, sympathies, whathaveyou, but I really don't want to be rejected. I reached out to Annie but heard crickets. My ego is bruised, and my ego is what doesn't want to reach out only to be spurned again.  But I really feel sorry for H.  She has been through horrible shit in her life, she is the most alcoholic in the group.  but what am I even saying? The whole group-though I love them-has serious alcohol dependency issues. They manage them well, and they may be able to drink socially in a way that I never could, but the drinking is the reason that I can't hang with them in a really consistent way. The fact that H and J act in a way that disgusts the rest of the crew is because they can't moderate their drinking and keep their shit together. Jeff and I could sometimes, most of the time, but if a full moon was in effect or something, then forget it.  The fact is, we couldn't control what was going to happen once we had started drinking. The only way to gain control of our lives was to quit. And the freedom we experience now on this side of life is un-fucking-unbelievable. And that is what I wish I could share.  That this version of life is living. What you are doing is dying. There's a better way, free of shame and most fear. Living a life of integrity and love and being true to oneself.

All of this brings up shameful memories that I haven't felt shame about in a while. I made a pact with God that if I quit drinking he/she would take away my sins. I know that's how it's supposed to work, but hearing about this stuff makes me feel dirty. Like I know where they're at, they are supposed to be my friends but I won't lift a finger to reach out to them. There's also the fact that I don't want them to know that people are discussing their bad behavior, although they must know. 

I really need God and spirituality in my life. I need a Pema book, maybe some church, I need faith. Jeff and I both need it, I know.  And to deal with the shame and guilt of my sins, I need God.