Why do I mistrust my value? This week I have been told that I am a valuable asset at my school: students like me and feel that I care about them; my colleagues appreciate me; my superiors think I am doing a fine job. I am smart. I am doing hard things. I am a loving mother and wife and friend. And yet. A sinking suspicion that I am not actually good enough. Is this humility or self-loathing? Why does this voice or feeling feel so menacing? Why is it there at all?
I was told yesterday, by someone I respect and trust a great deal- that my "Tier 1" is high level and that I do an excellent job of scaffolding up to the level that I want kids to perform. This is a great compliment. She also was in CTWP with me and said I was a great writer and that she would want to read more of my stuff. It's hard to hear for some reason, and at the same time, I need this recognition and appreciation so badly. I want to write and teach and yoga and mother and have a clean house and money and freedom and a good life. I want it all. I never cared about and loved and appreciated life this much when I was drinking. Damn, my life was small. (Response idea: why it's hard to be told you are actually pretty good at things? Because then you need to set your sights above where you're currently at to grow. You are doing this well, now it's time to add on. And this growing is painful sometimes because you will fail in the process. And you are petrified of failing. You've got to overcome this!)
I feel that my friend circle is too small. That there are only a few people in that group who really care about and are happy for me. I just watched a video on ambivalent relationships and how they are more stressful and destructive than toxic ones. And it's all about the boundaries. Those beautiful things I never used to have. There are truly loving women in that group, and I am grateful for that community. But then there are those who really don't deserve me, or rather, I don't deserve the pain of trying so hard to have a relationship with someone who cannot appreciate me, talk to me on my level, who is dedicated and determined to live a small and surface-level existence. I don't think I want to have relationships with people who have continually rejected me and told me I "over-analyze" everything. I don't want to mess with people who merely tolerate me.
So what to do about this? I feel like I isolate because I am my own favorite company. I love hanging with my family because I can be in my head and they don't make a bunch of demands. I don't have to make small talk. I can do what I want. Going to parties and seeing people is exhausting.
So what do I want to do? I want to take care of my people. I want to save money so that we can do things and have autonomy in our life. I want to be able to help people in need and work because I am dedicated and full of purpose and not because I am desperate. I want to talk to my Creator and be able to hear and appreciate all of the good so that I have the strength to weather the bad. I want to be able to receive what is true and call out my ego for its lies and bullshit. I want to learn and receive and kick ass.
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