Ambivalence

Fears:

• i am not sure i know how to do my job
• what if i can't handle my facial expressions
• i will have to deal with people again after a long beautiful break from dealing with people
• i can't seem to pray correctly

I am dreading returning to work.  Usually, at this time of the year, I am daydreaming about my classroom.  I have read half of two professional books, but neither of them deals with the real issues of education. Wait!  Why would I say that??  Of course they do.  Literacy IS the education issue.  Our goal is to help kids discover truths and think critically about their world.  How else to facilitate this than to get them reading. I always struggle with confidence and hearing my voice. I am out of practice with being around peeps, but that doesn't mean I can't do it or even that I don't want to do it.  I think I do want to do it, but I know that change is difficult in some ways.  But the fact of the matter is, I like to attend planning sessions because I need the money, but also because I like to see teacher people and I like to know what is going on.  The fact is, I love my job. I am in charge of my attitudes and emotions, my attitudes and emotions do not control me.  For once.

Now some words on sobriety. I really truly feel sorry for people who are caught up helplessly in alcohol addiction and dependence. The kind that is ruining their relationships because they lose control of themselves and they become disgusting. All in the name of fun. I was going to say I would like to send a text and offer my help, sympathies, whathaveyou, but I really don't want to be rejected. I reached out to Annie but heard crickets. My ego is bruised, and my ego is what doesn't want to reach out only to be spurned again.  But I really feel sorry for H.  She has been through horrible shit in her life, she is the most alcoholic in the group.  but what am I even saying? The whole group-though I love them-has serious alcohol dependency issues. They manage them well, and they may be able to drink socially in a way that I never could, but the drinking is the reason that I can't hang with them in a really consistent way. The fact that H and J act in a way that disgusts the rest of the crew is because they can't moderate their drinking and keep their shit together. Jeff and I could sometimes, most of the time, but if a full moon was in effect or something, then forget it.  The fact is, we couldn't control what was going to happen once we had started drinking. The only way to gain control of our lives was to quit. And the freedom we experience now on this side of life is un-fucking-unbelievable. And that is what I wish I could share.  That this version of life is living. What you are doing is dying. There's a better way, free of shame and most fear. Living a life of integrity and love and being true to oneself.

All of this brings up shameful memories that I haven't felt shame about in a while. I made a pact with God that if I quit drinking he/she would take away my sins. I know that's how it's supposed to work, but hearing about this stuff makes me feel dirty. Like I know where they're at, they are supposed to be my friends but I won't lift a finger to reach out to them. There's also the fact that I don't want them to know that people are discussing their bad behavior, although they must know. 

I really need God and spirituality in my life. I need a Pema book, maybe some church, I need faith. Jeff and I both need it, I know.  And to deal with the shame and guilt of my sins, I need God.