When I think back to the many years, weekends, and lost hours of drinking, I am struck by a feeling of loss. I can never get those moments back. These are moments I could have spent traveling, meditating, practicing yoga, cultivating lasting friendships. Instead, I spent my time with people who didn't care about me and I did not care about them. Or if I did, I lost touch with them because of my dependence on substances to interact with people. I was too timid and scared of being vulnerable. I didn't want to do the work of really cultivating a friendship. Or, I only really hung out with them because drinking or smoking. The easiest thing to do in many of these "relationships" was to walk away and torch the bridge behind me. And maybe I don't regret these moments because I was young and this is what I wanted to do at the time. But I am changing and growing and expanding now. And I am not going to apologize for that!
And I realize that many friendships fizzle-out and fade over time. I have accepted (mostly) that my relationship with Allison is like a cousin. I love her and her family, but we don't have the soul sister connection that I had with Lindsey or Joni in the past. Those relationships were of a time, and that time has passed. Partly because of decisions I have made, and partly for decisions that were made by others, and partly because that is life. Now my best friend really is Jeff and my mom and sisters. If I need to pour out the contents of my heart and soul, I call Lisa and Angela. Friends have really changed in function. They are people to go to dinner with or go to art crawls or yoga festivals or what have you, but they don't want to know the content of my soul. They want congenial company, not a complicated human struggling with the constant change of refining and discovering who they are. And that is fine, but I am not going to pretend I am something I am not to fit in with anyone. I will not apologize for who I am. Not no more.
The next step is to find a church, a fellowship. I think I am ready to join a church and community that is dedicated to changing the world, helping others, and nurturing the spirit. These ladies who invite me to things out of a sense of obligation do not share my values, my hopes, my dreams. I want to grow my world and hanging out in the same old ways, having the same dull-ass conversation ("oh my god, how cute! where did you buy that?? I have been here to buy blank and I'm getting my kids x,y,z...') are making me feel resentful, angry, and small. I am rejecting these things because they no longer serve me. I am saying no to the things I don't want to do. I don't want to buy things and watch bitches get drunk. I don't want to eat vegan food with potheads. I don't need to dictate the content of every conversation, but I am incredibly bored by most people after a long week of work. I don't want to be around most people. I don't need it and I am not going to do it to satisfy others. I know this means I won't be invited, but I truly want to not feel this way: like I am obligated to go or am being a bitch because I really don't want to participate. And I really don't want to be made to feel that I need to apologize or equivocate for who I am and how I really honestly feel.
What I DO want:
- more conversations about the expansiveness and beauty of practicing yoga and meditation
- more conversations about books
- a time to talk about the future: dreams for career and travels, not consuming crap
- not needing to hide the fact that consuming alcohol is horrible for your health. and we are getting older, so it's really stupid to continue living a life of excess
- going to lunch and museums and bookstores and movies THEN coffee to talk about the movie
- play dates with coffee and actually paying attention to our kids
- a real connection that makes me feel full and good about myself, rather than disappointed and angry
- sharing hobbies with friends and getting together to chat and hobby together
In other words, when drinking is the goal, I am out. When a problem drinker like Sarah is hosting an event called "Boozy Brunch" then I am OUT. I don't want to go. For whatever reason, I make you uncomfortable, so you make me uncomfortable. You don't want me there. I get it. Sober bitches harsh your buzz and make it hard for you to like yourself. Of course, we all realize this is because you drink alcoholically and you know it's not good so it's another reason to hate yourself. So we are more alike than not. And we could be friends, but we won't be because you would rather be a freaky control freak who drinks. So I will go my way and you can host your stupid brunches and you don't need to feel obligated to invite me. I will have dinner with my friends a few times a year, and they will invite me to things that are not alcohol-centric and I will love them for that. And when my friends host something, I will see you there and have no hard feelings, but you will know that I don't go to everything and that's because I respect myself and love myself and take care of myself. It's called having boundaries and y'all should really look into it cuz it's the fucking bomb. And I am not fucking sorry.
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