Depression is defined by a persistent feeling of sadness and hopelessness. But the thing that cycles back, like waiting for the other shoe to drop, the feeling that I just don't want to be here. If it only lasts two weeks, is it still depression? I used to drink or smoke this feeling away. Now I try to eat and sleep it away, but throw in a little exercise and remember to take my pills. But I just want a little relief. Like couldn't I take a little edible and just take the fucking edge off? Do I always have to do boring ass life stone-cold sober? I don't ever want to drink again for sure, but I really am feeling like this is not the way I want to live the rest of my life. I take meds for this very reason, but the meds don't do shit anymore. I don't want to feel like I am a shitty mom and person. But I do. I don't even think about the kind of wife I am because I imagine he is part of my problem. I wonder when the last time was I felt this way. If I had to guess I would say 6 months. And I can always name things in my life that are causing me stress, but I know it's just me.
I am ready to move from this place. I have disengaged from people/ I obsess about the fact that I have known certain families for 8 years and when I see parents I don't say hi to any of them. Because if I say hi once and you don't respond in a warm and human way, then I will never acknowledge you again. So all of the friends that have been made at school are convenience friends. None of them have been to my house, we don't have a relationship, and it's fine to move my kids away from this community because it's not really a community. I want to live where I work for once. I have a good thing in Hays and I am excited to live there. I need to keep that goal in mind when I am feeling spent and burnt out. Maybe life sucks right now because it does. Jeff stays busy at work but that is the place he is happiest. It's not with me because I am such a bummer. And we are so different. Nothing we do for leisure time is the same. We bicker about everything. Is it because I really disagree so much or is it because I am tired of him? My goal for the end of a Sunday is to have everything done: groceries, laundry, bathrooms, cat box, floors mopped, rooms dusted, glass shined. And maybe even yard work?? If it's not in his line of vision it doesn't exist, and I have taken the same stance and our yard is a fucking abomination. Life is so annoying, but the least I can do is get up and try. Just keep trying.
Addendum: And then I went through this sparse journal and found an entry from 10/31/17 and guess what? I was depressed then too. Now I remember, when the seasons change from winter to spring and summer to autumn, I start to feel a certain kind of way. And my own words from this blog post just lifted my spirits! I am reminded that some people never were able to lift themselves out of the funk, but I can and I have again and again. What helped me is the knowledge that we are all miracles and this is a gift! I don't have to numb my way through life, no! I can find inspiration from old me and in books if I search for it. Never stop searching and remaining curious. I am going to have a great day because life is too short to stay mired in bullshit. I love you.
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Saturday, February 9, 2019
Feb. 9, 2019
I went down to 10 mg of my medicine last month at about this time, but during the holiday break, I had already started cutting down. So I would say about 45 days on this dose. I had been feeling alright until I got sick with the cold from hell (lasting 2 weeks) and my energy was zapped for something like 10 days. Then the February doldrums seemed to really set in. In fact, for most if not all of January I was marveling at the notion that I didn't yet hate winter (it hadn't truly been cold yet, tho) and all-in-all I was feeling energized by work, the prospect of my dad moving in with us, buying a house, etc.
Since the cold, I have noticed the mood issues coming back. They were creeping back, but they are here and it's time to deal. I did think about upping my dose on my own because take an extra pill and problem solved is very tempting, but I don't want to take that route. The idea of taking that much doesn't feel good/right. I am eating carbs. spitefully. and blocking out the family with podcasts and endless games of solitaire much like crawling into a bottle of wine and essentially crying for everyone to leave me the hell alone. This is not healthy and it doesn't really feel like sobriety.
And as I type that last sentence, I also realize that this is always a difficult time of year for me. It's the third anniversary of coming to terms with my drinking and the need to quit. The anniversary of Lindsey is also around the corner. It's the most difficult time of year professionally. It's all of this. But the idea that a pill or a drink will fix me is unacceptable. This is a hard time of year, so let's take advantage and learn just how strong we are. For some reason, it is so tempting to let the surly teenager out when I am feeling shitty. She can come out and be the biggest bitch, simultaneously go on the attack and play the victim in just about any situation. But I must love her and take care of her because no one else could properly care for her back then. She comes out when I need some time. Time to exercise, clean my house, put down the phone and connect with my people instead of lashing out.
Just Googling depression and irritability helped remind me of the following:
Rumination sucks ass and it looks like me being mad at everyone for mostly valid but not really important reasons. I may want to point the finger and say you are the reason I am feeling like shit, but that's bullshit. It's not you, it's me. Fo real.
And Emotion Regulation is that of a toddler. Remember to look outside of the blinders that you put on when you are depressed, Do some yoga, hang upside down for a while, stand on your head, feed your brain some oxygen, eat a salad. You can change perspective without moving a muscle.
You can feel emotions without lashing out. Writing a text to Jeff last night accomplished this very thing. And accept yourself. Show compassion to yourself. Parent yourself if you are acting like a surly teen. Love yourself and see this as an opportunity to stretch and grow, Spring is right around the corner, and you are about to shed your skin and wake up to a renewed you. It's that time of year. Don't be scared and don't give up.
Since the cold, I have noticed the mood issues coming back. They were creeping back, but they are here and it's time to deal. I did think about upping my dose on my own because take an extra pill and problem solved is very tempting, but I don't want to take that route. The idea of taking that much doesn't feel good/right. I am eating carbs. spitefully. and blocking out the family with podcasts and endless games of solitaire much like crawling into a bottle of wine and essentially crying for everyone to leave me the hell alone. This is not healthy and it doesn't really feel like sobriety.
And as I type that last sentence, I also realize that this is always a difficult time of year for me. It's the third anniversary of coming to terms with my drinking and the need to quit. The anniversary of Lindsey is also around the corner. It's the most difficult time of year professionally. It's all of this. But the idea that a pill or a drink will fix me is unacceptable. This is a hard time of year, so let's take advantage and learn just how strong we are. For some reason, it is so tempting to let the surly teenager out when I am feeling shitty. She can come out and be the biggest bitch, simultaneously go on the attack and play the victim in just about any situation. But I must love her and take care of her because no one else could properly care for her back then. She comes out when I need some time. Time to exercise, clean my house, put down the phone and connect with my people instead of lashing out.
Just Googling depression and irritability helped remind me of the following:
Rumination sucks ass and it looks like me being mad at everyone for mostly valid but not really important reasons. I may want to point the finger and say you are the reason I am feeling like shit, but that's bullshit. It's not you, it's me. Fo real.
And Emotion Regulation is that of a toddler. Remember to look outside of the blinders that you put on when you are depressed, Do some yoga, hang upside down for a while, stand on your head, feed your brain some oxygen, eat a salad. You can change perspective without moving a muscle.
You can feel emotions without lashing out. Writing a text to Jeff last night accomplished this very thing. And accept yourself. Show compassion to yourself. Parent yourself if you are acting like a surly teen. Love yourself and see this as an opportunity to stretch and grow, Spring is right around the corner, and you are about to shed your skin and wake up to a renewed you. It's that time of year. Don't be scared and don't give up.
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