Depression is defined by a persistent feeling of sadness and hopelessness.  But the thing that cycles back, like waiting for the other shoe to drop, the feeling that I just don't want to be here. If it only lasts two weeks, is it still depression? I used to drink or smoke this feeling away. Now I try to eat and sleep it away, but throw in a little exercise and remember to take my pills. But I just want a little relief.  Like couldn't I take a little edible and just take the fucking edge off?  Do I always have to do boring ass life stone-cold sober? I don't ever want to drink again for sure, but I really am feeling like this is not the way I want to live the rest of my life. I take meds for this very reason, but the meds don't do shit anymore. I don't want to feel like I am a shitty mom and person. But I do. I don't even think about the kind of wife I am because I imagine he is part of my problem. I wonder when the last time was I felt this way.  If I had to guess I would say 6 months. And I can always name things in my life that are causing me stress, but I know it's just me.

I am ready to move from this place. I have disengaged from people/ I obsess about the fact that I have known certain families for 8 years and when I see parents I don't say hi to any of them. Because if I say hi once and you don't respond in a warm and human way, then I will never acknowledge you again. So all of the friends that have been made at school are convenience friends. None of them have been to my house, we don't have a relationship, and it's fine to move my kids away from this community because it's not really a community. I want to live where I work for once. I have a good thing in Hays and I am excited to live there. I need to keep that goal in mind when I am feeling spent and burnt out. Maybe life sucks right now because it does. Jeff stays busy at work but that is the place he is happiest. It's not with me because I am such a bummer. And we are so different. Nothing we do for leisure time is the same. We bicker about everything. Is it because I really disagree so much or is it because I am tired of him? My goal for the end of a Sunday is to have everything done: groceries, laundry, bathrooms, cat box, floors mopped, rooms dusted, glass shined.  And maybe even yard work?? If it's not in his line of vision it doesn't exist, and I have taken the same stance and our yard is a fucking abomination. Life is so annoying, but the least I can do is get up and try. Just keep trying.

Addendum: And then I went through this sparse journal and found an entry from 10/31/17 and guess what?  I was depressed then too.  Now I remember, when the seasons change from winter to spring and summer to autumn, I start to feel a certain kind of way.  And my own words from this blog post just lifted my spirits! I am reminded that some people never were able to lift themselves out of the funk, but I can and I have again and again.  What helped me is the knowledge that we are all miracles and this is a gift! I don't have to numb my way through life, no! I can find inspiration from old me and in books if I search for it. Never stop searching and remaining curious.  I am going to have a great day because life is too short to stay mired in bullshit.  I love you.

Feb. 9, 2019

I went down to 10 mg of my medicine last month at about this time, but during the holiday break, I had already started cutting down.  So I would say about 45 days on this dose.  I had been feeling alright until I got sick with the cold from hell (lasting 2 weeks) and my energy was zapped for something like 10 days.  Then the February doldrums seemed to really set in.  In fact, for most if not all of January I was marveling at the notion that I didn't yet hate winter (it hadn't truly been cold yet, tho) and all-in-all I was feeling energized by work, the prospect of my dad moving in with us, buying a house, etc.

Since the cold, I have noticed the mood issues coming back.  They were creeping back, but they are here and it's time to deal.  I did think about upping my dose on my own because take an extra pill and problem solved is very tempting, but I don't want to take that route.  The idea of taking that much doesn't feel good/right.  I am eating carbs. spitefully. and blocking out the family with podcasts and endless games of solitaire much like crawling into a bottle of wine and essentially crying for everyone to leave me the hell alone. This is not healthy and it doesn't really feel like sobriety.

And as I type that last sentence, I also realize that this is always a difficult time of year for me.  It's the third anniversary of coming to terms with my drinking and the need to quit. The anniversary of Lindsey is also around the corner.  It's the most difficult time of year professionally.  It's all of this.  But the idea that a pill or a drink will fix me is unacceptable.   This is a hard time of year, so let's take advantage and learn just how strong we are.  For some reason, it is so tempting to let the surly teenager out when I am feeling shitty.  She can come out and be the biggest bitch, simultaneously go on the attack and play the victim in just about any situation. But I must love her and take care of her because no one else could properly care for her back then. She comes out when I need some time.  Time to exercise, clean my house, put down the phone and connect with my people instead of lashing out.

Just Googling depression and irritability helped remind me of the following:

Rumination sucks ass and it looks like me being mad at everyone for mostly valid but not really important reasons.  I may want to point the finger and say you are the reason I am feeling like shit, but that's bullshit. It's not you, it's me. Fo real.

And Emotion Regulation is that of a toddler.  Remember to look outside of the blinders that you put on when you are depressed,  Do some yoga, hang upside down for a while, stand on your head, feed your brain some oxygen, eat a salad.  You can change perspective without moving a muscle. 

You can feel emotions without lashing out.  Writing a text to Jeff last night accomplished this very thing.  And accept yourself.  Show compassion to yourself.  Parent yourself if you are acting like a surly teen. Love yourself and see this as an opportunity to stretch and grow,  Spring is right around the corner, and you are about to shed your skin and wake up to a renewed you.  It's that time of year.  Don't be scared and don't give up.

Freewrite

I feel like writing, even tho I don't have anything to say. I want the words to pass through my fingers like water through mesh. Holding them and their meanings but briefly in my mind. I want to create, but I have no idea what I want to say. Funny how when I was younger and less secure I didn't feel I deserved my voice or my creativity. I told myself so much what I was not, never realizing that I was only just becoming. I was so afraid of failing or looking stupid that I didn't dare let myself be heard or seen.

I recently deleted FB and Insta from my phone, and I am not visiting these sites anymore. I haven't deleted my accounts yet, tho. I tell myself I still have some photos there I want to save. But I have tired of following strangers that I only know through social media. And the actual people I do know irritate me on social media. Why must you document everything you do? I have been around these people when they are out having "fun." So much time is spent documenting. I suppose that is fun for them, but I don't really get it. Taking pics of your kids and family is fine, but posting every single thing makes me really resentful. No doubt in part because they are having fun while I struggle (and fail) to take care of all my chores and take care of all my work responsibilities. And read as much as I wanted to, and spend some time with my kids, no doubt watching TV and not taking them outside. Social media just made me feel bad about myself. I am not enough and I don't want to talk to you. I want to be private; I don't want to engage; I don't like people. Which of course is not true, but I was beginning to feel that way.

But then there is Twitter. I don't even read the news. I do listen to NPR, but I find out most news by reading the reactions of other lefties on Twitter. And I have no solutions and I don't really want to change myself. Because I am naturally right in my views and so are the people I follow, otherwise I wouldn't follow them. But personal acquaintances. That's a different story. So many of them are aliens to me now. What I care about, what I can do for entire weekends, summers off, what-have-you, these activities would be impossible for my old acquaintances. Alcoholics that they are. I am really grateful for my real life. I am so grateful I yanked the fucking gauze off my eyes and got right. I am so proud of my husband and us. And I'm not lonely anymore. I've got me.

mornings

Aspirational school day mornings:
1. wake up by 5am
2. the tv remote is in logical location, and I do some yoga (20 min)
3. morning writing. the writing is for me for now. maybe one day i will get rich and famous writing books. not the point.
4. shower, dress, war paint
5. breakfast for kids is being lovingly prepared by doting husband, balancing out the fact that i have evening duty solo every night he is in school.
6. coffee, lunch box preparation.
7. walk out the door by 6:45

This morning I woke up and decided to start with yoga, but I couldn't find the remote. First instinct was two shades to the left of blow up the house and everyone in it. Reading the book something confrontation, Buddhist based teachings on how not to lose your ever-loving mind when annoying shit or people happen to you. Now I am writing it out instead of taking it out on my family. Today is going to be phenomenal. So much to say and write about!

Routines

The thing I am most excited for this year is the daily routine outlined in 180 Days that ensures I read and write with kids every day. I realize I may need to experiment a bit with the order that I do some things, but essentially I am committed to daily sacred reading and writing time. And this leads me to think about how I can increase my efficiency in other areas of my life. If I get up at 4:30 every day of the week, I could do some writing of my own every morning and fit in some light yoga/stretching/meditation time. The daily writing would help me fulfill my need to journal and work out my personal and professional angst and the daily yoga would be amazing for my mood, health, and over-all well being.

Someone (a teacher person) said something to me that I had said to myself last year, almost like a mantra, and that was: I just have to accept that I can't get everything done. Just accept it. What a shitty mantra for the year. What resignation of at least partial failure. Rather than repeat that defeatist sentiment every day, I would rather think about what is in my control and how I can structure my time most effectively and efficiently. And so much of this work has already been done for me, thanks to Penny Kittle and Kelly Gallagher.

4am Wake Up: Write for 30 minutes. Yoga and meditation for 30 min. Shower, coffee, make breakfast and lunch.

Every day I need to leave the house by 6:44. (Not 45, dammit) That will get me to work by 7:15-20. I will have time to write down the daily objective/agenda, tidy up and make sure my classroom looks good, and put my lunch and other items away.

7:30- Daily PLC meeting. I am a little apprehensive about this time, but that is only because I worry about teachers complaining. Actually, this time forces teachers to be ready for the day ahead before 7:30...as we should be! I am guilty of this for sure, but if I am coming to work with that much of my planning in the balance, I am not going to be most effective. Naturally, I want to be responsive to what kids need, but my skeleton plan needs to be in place: ie. copies of mentor texts/class-selected texts sent to the printshop, Lead4ward blueprint activities, etc. Short mini-lessons shouldn't include making copies really.

1st-period conference: Sending out parent emails. Find out how to email all my parents in a blast. Introduce myself and email as our best form of communication, but also give my phone number. Send monthly emails/biweekly emails to inform parents of important dates, tutoring times, and ongoing expectations re: reading and homework. (10 min)

Meet with Samantha to plan/type in lesson plans, send materials to print shop, create manipulatives, etc. Take time to reflect on the things that worked and didn't work in the previous day's lessons. Track our data for the action research project.

What could make my life easier:
-Bento lunch boxes to pre-pack lunches for the week for Maggie.
-Instapot will help me make easy one-pot meals during the week so I can come home and watch the news and give the brain a rest
-do one load of laundry every night
-write every morning and reflect on what is and what is not working, so I can refine my routines and respond in a rational and measured way. Instead of reacting, freaking out, making excuses, etc.

Eddie has been struggling with anxiety lately. At bedtime, when it's time to say goodnight, he is trembling and crying, begging me to sleep with him. The good thing about this is, I have reinstituted novel reading with him at night. The...not bad thing, but trying thing is the work it takes to calm him down. But of course, I am also benefitting from these talks. I decided to be honest about what happened to Lindsey because I used it as a teachable moment. She struggled with anxiety as a youth. And the course of action taken by her dad was to medicate. Without therapy. Without the coping skills to deal with her feelings or understand what she was experiencing. It's just the family curse. Here's a pill.

It would be great if medication and alcohol could solve the problem of unpleasant feelings, but they don't. My daily Lexapro doesn't solve the problem, just smooths the frazzled fibers of my brain and allows me to use my other strategies. So I told Eddie last night, here are all of the things I am doing to help you: reading to you at night, listening to you, loving you, feeding you healthy food, arranging for you to go with Jaxon tomorrow. But I can't do it for you. If I slept with you every night, I would be conceding that there is, in fact, something to fear, but there isn't. I believe that you are strong enough to overcome this anxiety. You have done it before. You will do it again. You are not alone, so don't stop telling me what you are going through and expressing yourself. But you will be ok. You are loved. You are stronger than you know.

And he slept through the night and did not wake us up. Maggie may have peed on the side of my bed in the middle of the night, but that's another issue.

Basically, I can do a tremendous amount every day. There is freedom in routine and responsibility. Avoiding these things- like the less attractive parts of our jobs and relationship/personal responsibilities- distracts from our greater purpose and wears down our ability to be effective. Rather than thinking about "doing it all" which sounds Herculean and sort of martyr-ish, I want to think of it as experimenting with routine. The belief that I can do it is firm, and failure is not personal. I can apply logic to solve my problems. I can do it. I can do incredible things. If I try.

Love is Hard to Receive

Why do I mistrust my value? This week I have been told that I am a valuable asset at my school: students like me and feel that I care about them; my colleagues appreciate me; my superiors think I am doing a fine job. I am smart. I am doing hard things. I am a loving mother and wife and friend. And yet. A sinking suspicion that I am not actually good enough.  Is this humility or self-loathing? Why does this voice or feeling feel so menacing? Why is it there at all?

I was told yesterday, by someone I respect and trust a great deal- that my "Tier 1" is high level and that I do an excellent job of scaffolding up to the level that I want kids to perform. This is a great compliment. She also was in CTWP with me and said I was a great writer and that she would want to read more of my stuff. It's hard to hear for some reason, and at the same time, I need this recognition and appreciation so badly. I want to write and teach and yoga and mother and have a clean house and money and freedom and a good life. I want it all. I never cared about and loved and appreciated life this much when I was drinking. Damn, my life was small. (Response idea: why it's hard to be told you are actually pretty good at things? Because then you need to set your sights above where you're currently at to grow. You are doing this well, now it's time to add on. And this growing is painful sometimes because you will fail in the process. And you are petrified of failing. You've got to overcome this!)

I feel that my friend circle is too small. That there are only a few people in that group who really care about and are happy for me. I just watched a video on ambivalent relationships and how they are more stressful and destructive than toxic ones. And it's all about the boundaries. Those beautiful things I never used to have. There are truly loving women in that group, and I am grateful for that community. But then there are those who really don't deserve me, or rather, I don't deserve the pain of trying so hard to have a relationship with someone who cannot appreciate me, talk to me on my level, who is dedicated and determined to live a small and surface-level existence. I don't think I want to have relationships with people who have continually rejected me and told me I "over-analyze" everything. I don't want to mess with people who merely tolerate me.

So what to do about this? I feel like I isolate because I am my own favorite company. I love hanging with my family because I can be in my head and they don't make a bunch of demands. I don't have to make small talk. I can do what I want. Going to parties and seeing people is exhausting.

So what do I want to do? I want to take care of my people. I want to save money so that we can do things and have autonomy in our life. I want to be able to help people in need and work because I am dedicated and full of purpose and not because I am desperate. I want to talk to my Creator and be able to hear and appreciate all of the good so that I have the strength to weather the bad. I want to be able to receive what is true and call out my ego for its lies and bullshit. I want to learn and receive and kick ass.

Ambivalence

Fears:

• i am not sure i know how to do my job
• what if i can't handle my facial expressions
• i will have to deal with people again after a long beautiful break from dealing with people
• i can't seem to pray correctly

I am dreading returning to work.  Usually, at this time of the year, I am daydreaming about my classroom.  I have read half of two professional books, but neither of them deals with the real issues of education. Wait!  Why would I say that??  Of course they do.  Literacy IS the education issue.  Our goal is to help kids discover truths and think critically about their world.  How else to facilitate this than to get them reading. I always struggle with confidence and hearing my voice. I am out of practice with being around peeps, but that doesn't mean I can't do it or even that I don't want to do it.  I think I do want to do it, but I know that change is difficult in some ways.  But the fact of the matter is, I like to attend planning sessions because I need the money, but also because I like to see teacher people and I like to know what is going on.  The fact is, I love my job. I am in charge of my attitudes and emotions, my attitudes and emotions do not control me.  For once.

Now some words on sobriety. I really truly feel sorry for people who are caught up helplessly in alcohol addiction and dependence. The kind that is ruining their relationships because they lose control of themselves and they become disgusting. All in the name of fun. I was going to say I would like to send a text and offer my help, sympathies, whathaveyou, but I really don't want to be rejected. I reached out to Annie but heard crickets. My ego is bruised, and my ego is what doesn't want to reach out only to be spurned again.  But I really feel sorry for H.  She has been through horrible shit in her life, she is the most alcoholic in the group.  but what am I even saying? The whole group-though I love them-has serious alcohol dependency issues. They manage them well, and they may be able to drink socially in a way that I never could, but the drinking is the reason that I can't hang with them in a really consistent way. The fact that H and J act in a way that disgusts the rest of the crew is because they can't moderate their drinking and keep their shit together. Jeff and I could sometimes, most of the time, but if a full moon was in effect or something, then forget it.  The fact is, we couldn't control what was going to happen once we had started drinking. The only way to gain control of our lives was to quit. And the freedom we experience now on this side of life is un-fucking-unbelievable. And that is what I wish I could share.  That this version of life is living. What you are doing is dying. There's a better way, free of shame and most fear. Living a life of integrity and love and being true to oneself.

All of this brings up shameful memories that I haven't felt shame about in a while. I made a pact with God that if I quit drinking he/she would take away my sins. I know that's how it's supposed to work, but hearing about this stuff makes me feel dirty. Like I know where they're at, they are supposed to be my friends but I won't lift a finger to reach out to them. There's also the fact that I don't want them to know that people are discussing their bad behavior, although they must know. 

I really need God and spirituality in my life. I need a Pema book, maybe some church, I need faith. Jeff and I both need it, I know.  And to deal with the shame and guilt of my sins, I need God.