I went down to 10 mg of my medicine last month at about this time, but during the holiday break, I had already started cutting down. So I would say about 45 days on this dose. I had been feeling alright until I got sick with the cold from hell (lasting 2 weeks) and my energy was zapped for something like 10 days. Then the February doldrums seemed to really set in. In fact, for most if not all of January I was marveling at the notion that I didn't yet hate winter (it hadn't truly been cold yet, tho) and all-in-all I was feeling energized by work, the prospect of my dad moving in with us, buying a house, etc.
Since the cold, I have noticed the mood issues coming back. They were creeping back, but they are here and it's time to deal. I did think about upping my dose on my own because take an extra pill and problem solved is very tempting, but I don't want to take that route. The idea of taking that much doesn't feel good/right. I am eating carbs. spitefully. and blocking out the family with podcasts and endless games of solitaire much like crawling into a bottle of wine and essentially crying for everyone to leave me the hell alone. This is not healthy and it doesn't really feel like sobriety.
And as I type that last sentence, I also realize that this is always a difficult time of year for me. It's the third anniversary of coming to terms with my drinking and the need to quit. The anniversary of Lindsey is also around the corner. It's the most difficult time of year professionally. It's all of this. But the idea that a pill or a drink will fix me is unacceptable. This is a hard time of year, so let's take advantage and learn just how strong we are. For some reason, it is so tempting to let the surly teenager out when I am feeling shitty. She can come out and be the biggest bitch, simultaneously go on the attack and play the victim in just about any situation. But I must love her and take care of her because no one else could properly care for her back then. She comes out when I need some time. Time to exercise, clean my house, put down the phone and connect with my people instead of lashing out.
Just Googling depression and irritability helped remind me of the following:
Rumination sucks ass and it looks like me being mad at everyone for mostly valid but not really important reasons. I may want to point the finger and say you are the reason I am feeling like shit, but that's bullshit. It's not you, it's me. Fo real.
And Emotion Regulation is that of a toddler. Remember to look outside of the blinders that you put on when you are depressed, Do some yoga, hang upside down for a while, stand on your head, feed your brain some oxygen, eat a salad. You can change perspective without moving a muscle.
You can feel emotions without lashing out. Writing a text to Jeff last night accomplished this very thing. And accept yourself. Show compassion to yourself. Parent yourself if you are acting like a surly teen. Love yourself and see this as an opportunity to stretch and grow, Spring is right around the corner, and you are about to shed your skin and wake up to a renewed you. It's that time of year. Don't be scared and don't give up.
No comments:
Post a Comment