Depression is defined by a persistent feeling of sadness and hopelessness.  But the thing that cycles back, like waiting for the other shoe to drop, the feeling that I just don't want to be here. If it only lasts two weeks, is it still depression? I used to drink or smoke this feeling away. Now I try to eat and sleep it away, but throw in a little exercise and remember to take my pills. But I just want a little relief.  Like couldn't I take a little edible and just take the fucking edge off?  Do I always have to do boring ass life stone-cold sober? I don't ever want to drink again for sure, but I really am feeling like this is not the way I want to live the rest of my life. I take meds for this very reason, but the meds don't do shit anymore. I don't want to feel like I am a shitty mom and person. But I do. I don't even think about the kind of wife I am because I imagine he is part of my problem. I wonder when the last time was I felt this way.  If I had to guess I would say 6 months. And I can always name things in my life that are causing me stress, but I know it's just me.

I am ready to move from this place. I have disengaged from people/ I obsess about the fact that I have known certain families for 8 years and when I see parents I don't say hi to any of them. Because if I say hi once and you don't respond in a warm and human way, then I will never acknowledge you again. So all of the friends that have been made at school are convenience friends. None of them have been to my house, we don't have a relationship, and it's fine to move my kids away from this community because it's not really a community. I want to live where I work for once. I have a good thing in Hays and I am excited to live there. I need to keep that goal in mind when I am feeling spent and burnt out. Maybe life sucks right now because it does. Jeff stays busy at work but that is the place he is happiest. It's not with me because I am such a bummer. And we are so different. Nothing we do for leisure time is the same. We bicker about everything. Is it because I really disagree so much or is it because I am tired of him? My goal for the end of a Sunday is to have everything done: groceries, laundry, bathrooms, cat box, floors mopped, rooms dusted, glass shined.  And maybe even yard work?? If it's not in his line of vision it doesn't exist, and I have taken the same stance and our yard is a fucking abomination. Life is so annoying, but the least I can do is get up and try. Just keep trying.

Addendum: And then I went through this sparse journal and found an entry from 10/31/17 and guess what?  I was depressed then too.  Now I remember, when the seasons change from winter to spring and summer to autumn, I start to feel a certain kind of way.  And my own words from this blog post just lifted my spirits! I am reminded that some people never were able to lift themselves out of the funk, but I can and I have again and again.  What helped me is the knowledge that we are all miracles and this is a gift! I don't have to numb my way through life, no! I can find inspiration from old me and in books if I search for it. Never stop searching and remaining curious.  I am going to have a great day because life is too short to stay mired in bullshit.  I love you.