Lesson number 1 of early sobriety: All feelings are fleeting. Wherever you feel you are, you can count on the feeling, the situation, and the circumstances surrounding the feeling to change. Of course, there are things you can DO to change things, but very little is up to you- it's going to change with or without your participation. All you can do is decide on the attitude you will adopt when everything is going on: acceptance and release of judgment, fear, and labeling or calling every unpleasant thought depression or anxiety.
For me, everything worked out with Dad. He was sent home with orders to exercise and eat better. I asked him to please take care of himself, and of course, I cried and was sad, but I was also able to move through the feeling of anxiety and sadness when I realized that either way, I have zero control over what he chooses to do with his life and body. I would be willing to have him live with us, but I need to work on accepting that I cannot control anything about how he chooses to live or die. If I want to step up to this responsibility, I need to really look deeply at my motivation and work at letting shit go.
I had a convo with Lisa and one with Angela. I could hear the concern in both of them about my choice to stop the Lexapro. I was able to articulate why I am quitting and how it's hard, but why to me, it's worth it. When I quit drinking and smoking pot, I learned SO much about myself. Drinking and smoking are all about escapism for me. I learned to run away from unpleasantness day 1! In order to grow, I needed to stay and let the shit wash over me. Face my fears. This is the same fucking thing.
How can I be an artist (and I don't mean famous, published, or even good) if I run away from life? Feeling sad, and scared, and jubilant, and bored, and excited, and mad is being alive. I don't hallucinate, hear voices, suffer from acute anxiety that has me unable to leave the bed. I don't have multiple personalities, or mania, or suicidal tendencies. I am extremely sensitive, so life can be a fucking job. But I am not tired all of the time anymore, and I have the skills to pay the bills, and I am here.
And I want to DO things. I don't want to just be here, feeling pretty good all of the time. I don't want my marriage to implode because I am paranoid or resentful or unable to control my anxiety, but it doesn't have to. I can listen to my body and give it what it needs: yoga, sleep, food, rest, activity, etc. Listen to my body and trust it. Listen to my spirit guides and trust them, too. Trying to figure out what is going on with me takes time and effort. It's only when we are taught not to trust ourselves, or we just can't be bothered that problems arise.
I am feeling powerful and amazing today. I love myself, children, husband, family, and friends. I love every student I have ever taught, and the opportunity to do good. I love the city I live in, my state, and all of the beauty and blessings therein. Grateful for all of it. The pain is my teacher, so I love you too, pain.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Monday, June 19, 2017
June 19th
Dad is in the hospital with an obstructed bowel. I am finding it hard to maintain the same level of mood stability and optimism that I had in the last 2 weeks. Jeff is certainly noticing my "roller coaster of emotions" but I am not all that concerned about changing myself to make him more comfortable. This feels like I've said, like early sobriety. Which sucks, but I know I can handle it. Lexapro made me feel like everything was awesome all the time. Not euphoric, but like I didn't have a care in the world. But I do have cares. A lot of them. There are shit loads of things that need my attention. I need some of my natural anxiety to keep me motivated and productive. I just need to learn how to control my tendencies to snap at people and be a bitch.
But to that end, my dad (who is sick in many ways) is in the hospital and I don't know what's going on because he doesn't tell me the whole story. Worries fly through my head like, will I have to go and take care of him? If he goes through surgery, I would like to be there, because what if he doesn't make it? And is it an excessive worry when you lose 3 people in 30 days like I have this spring? So I need to give myself structure: Get up by 7 am, coffee, write, work, Yoga, eat conscientiously, read and write with my babies, organize something. Give thanks for the break in routine that summer provides. For the opportunity to tend to other parts of my metaphorical garden. Give thanks for a husband who appears committed to family and working hard. Try to not to suspect that he is forever carrying on an affair. Try not to hold on to anger and resentment.
That's the major thing coming up right now: anger and resentment. I thought I was over it, but apparently, without Lexapro's help, I am right where I left off when I started the damn pills. That can't be, tho. It can't be possible that I didn't really make that progress. I just feel like my brain needs some rewiring. Now I've got to figure out if it will be harder, or if I can do it in the same ways I quit alcohol.
But to that end, my dad (who is sick in many ways) is in the hospital and I don't know what's going on because he doesn't tell me the whole story. Worries fly through my head like, will I have to go and take care of him? If he goes through surgery, I would like to be there, because what if he doesn't make it? And is it an excessive worry when you lose 3 people in 30 days like I have this spring? So I need to give myself structure: Get up by 7 am, coffee, write, work, Yoga, eat conscientiously, read and write with my babies, organize something. Give thanks for the break in routine that summer provides. For the opportunity to tend to other parts of my metaphorical garden. Give thanks for a husband who appears committed to family and working hard. Try to not to suspect that he is forever carrying on an affair. Try not to hold on to anger and resentment.
That's the major thing coming up right now: anger and resentment. I thought I was over it, but apparently, without Lexapro's help, I am right where I left off when I started the damn pills. That can't be, tho. It can't be possible that I didn't really make that progress. I just feel like my brain needs some rewiring. Now I've got to figure out if it will be harder, or if I can do it in the same ways I quit alcohol.
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Fathers Day, June 18, 2017
It's Fathers Day, so naturally, I am going to fail as a spouse and fight with Jeff. It really does feel inevitable. Lately, I have been feeling ambivalent. Not all of the time, but there are certainly waves of whatever that flow through my brain. Then there are the moments of watching/hearing him play with Eddie and I know that I am doing the right thing. It's hard to be patient when it feels like for the last 10 years I have been focused and determined to figure out my career, and your spouse has been decidedly less engaged in a similar process.I don't care about being rich, and some of my friends seem like they're rich. Or maybe they just pretend to be and really they are in mega-debt. I don't really know. But lately, I am feeling badly about my house, my bank account, etc. But with my job, I can't really do shit about it. I guess I could look into being a grader for TEA, or research extra work for teachers, and maybe I will. I am encouraged that Jeff feels like he is improving at his job. I need to stay positive. I can feel myself being irritable with him and pulling away. I know that when I started taking Lexapro, I was much nicer and less irritable. I really don't want to take medication just to be a nicer person. I would like to think I could be "nice" naturally. What the fuck? Maybe I just need to find a forum for people like me.
Ok, I just read some threads about people quitting their SSRI medication and I am determined NOT to be like that. First of all, I am not suffering from horrible, debilitating symptoms as described on these websites, Secondly, I refuse to live like that. I don't even want to think that way. I have taken plenty of drugs in my life, and every time I was different. It's an experience. But I refuse to feel like a victim, or like my depression/anxiety/irritability problems are inevitable or a curse. I can and will practice positive behaviors to help me manage my issues: depression, anxiety which results in irritability and poor stress response. I can do this.
Now to think about Jeff and how much I appreciate him.
Ok, I just read some threads about people quitting their SSRI medication and I am determined NOT to be like that. First of all, I am not suffering from horrible, debilitating symptoms as described on these websites, Secondly, I refuse to live like that. I don't even want to think that way. I have taken plenty of drugs in my life, and every time I was different. It's an experience. But I refuse to feel like a victim, or like my depression/anxiety/irritability problems are inevitable or a curse. I can and will practice positive behaviors to help me manage my issues: depression, anxiety which results in irritability and poor stress response. I can do this.
Now to think about Jeff and how much I appreciate him.
Saturday, June 17, 2017
After a week of pretty high highs at CTWP, and evenings of physical and mental exhaustion, I have found myself on Saturday morning. And it feels good.
I haven't taken Lexapro...(had to count it up with my calendar on which I have been recording, though sporadically, my Lexapro consumption, food, exercise, and activities)...in TWO weeks. And here are just some of the differences I have felt:
I feel strongly that my moods and my anxiety are interesting, not devastating. Again, because I don't take these moods personally. I know now that they are not reality. It's the most incredible shift I have made in such a long time. And I can see pretty clearly people who are not awake in this way, and I get really tired thinking about them or even trying to talk to them. Yesterday, Wendi and Jeff had a party for Archer's 8th bday and all of the families were there. It was totally overwhelming, but I didn't react in a David Stroud way. I was able to socialize and talk just fine, but by 3 hours I had a headache and heartburn and I knew I needed to bounce. It was overwhelming because of small talk. I was interested in talking about what I am interested in: myself :), books, and my desire to write; I was exhausted talking about everything else.
It wasn't that the topics were horrible, I am motivated to clean out my garage thanks to Sarah's description of organizing her house and cleaning out her trash. It was the superficial nature of each conversation because of the nature of a party: you bounce around from person to person and every conversation is superficial. People are drinking, so they feel like they're talking about real things, but because I am sober, I am not getting the same satisfaction from each interaction. I think it's helpful to analyze my feelings so that I don't fall into the trap of thinking that certain people aren't my friends. Or I fall into feelings of separateness. The ability to discern feelings of dissatisfaction from actual hatred of certain people is pretty huge. I have noticed my feelings of anger or wanting to hate certain people, it's a habit of my brain. Now I notice it, and I think about it for a minute, and I don't beat myself up, but I acknowledge that the thought is not synonymous with me, it's just a thought.
My goals for today: Goodwill run, scrub floors, bathrooms, and trash cans. Clean out the fridge. Find names of doctors: gyno for me, well-checks for kids, dentist for all.
I haven't taken Lexapro...(had to count it up with my calendar on which I have been recording, though sporadically, my Lexapro consumption, food, exercise, and activities)...in TWO weeks. And here are just some of the differences I have felt:
- less hungry or at least less obsessed with food, meals, and eating in general. More about this below.
- more compelled to write! Like I have words that want to, need to burst forth onto the page. If I don't get to writing I feel physically uncomfortable. New day, new journal. I have a lot to say! Also, more about this below.
- I feel pretty good in the morning: I was able to sleep late today, which was glorious. I am in a good, level mood. I enjoy my coffee and I feel motivated to do the things.
- Evenings are harder. They feel a bit like early sobriety. I feel down, just less able to control my swirling thoughts that are 90% negative, but there is the voice of reason that reminds me to be nonjudgmental about these thoughts, to get outside myself and just observe, to not let myself get sucked into the bullshit that my mind is trying to suck me into. Thoughts are worries about the future and then I feel bad, sad, and guilty for not being something other than I am. Pretty much all anxiety relates to money. More about this below.
The benefits of being off the Lexapro: a desire and a need to write and cultivate an inner life and oddly maybe, the variance in moods, have me feeling really confident about my decision to stop the Lexapro. In my first year of sobriety, I needed all the help I could get: all the mood stabilizers and all the ice cream I could get my hands on. Now I am feeling stronger. I am curious about myself and feeling so incredibly loving toward myself. The self-hatred is gone. It lingers as a very vivid memory, but it is so obviously bullshit that I can't really understand how I fell into this trap other than the fact that I was an adolescent girl in a culture that teaches us to hate ourselves.
I feel strongly that my moods and my anxiety are interesting, not devastating. Again, because I don't take these moods personally. I know now that they are not reality. It's the most incredible shift I have made in such a long time. And I can see pretty clearly people who are not awake in this way, and I get really tired thinking about them or even trying to talk to them. Yesterday, Wendi and Jeff had a party for Archer's 8th bday and all of the families were there. It was totally overwhelming, but I didn't react in a David Stroud way. I was able to socialize and talk just fine, but by 3 hours I had a headache and heartburn and I knew I needed to bounce. It was overwhelming because of small talk. I was interested in talking about what I am interested in: myself :), books, and my desire to write; I was exhausted talking about everything else.
It wasn't that the topics were horrible, I am motivated to clean out my garage thanks to Sarah's description of organizing her house and cleaning out her trash. It was the superficial nature of each conversation because of the nature of a party: you bounce around from person to person and every conversation is superficial. People are drinking, so they feel like they're talking about real things, but because I am sober, I am not getting the same satisfaction from each interaction. I think it's helpful to analyze my feelings so that I don't fall into the trap of thinking that certain people aren't my friends. Or I fall into feelings of separateness. The ability to discern feelings of dissatisfaction from actual hatred of certain people is pretty huge. I have noticed my feelings of anger or wanting to hate certain people, it's a habit of my brain. Now I notice it, and I think about it for a minute, and I don't beat myself up, but I acknowledge that the thought is not synonymous with me, it's just a thought.
My goals for today: Goodwill run, scrub floors, bathrooms, and trash cans. Clean out the fridge. Find names of doctors: gyno for me, well-checks for kids, dentist for all.
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Freak Out, June 14
I found something I wrote in 2013, clearly drunk or at least tipsy. It was toward the end of my first year at IDEA, and I am listing ideas to prepare for the following year. I wrote a small description of domestic life and it is the most depressing thing I have ever read. The mean, nasty verbiage paints a picture of palpable self-loathing. I am describing a night at home with Eddie and Jeff in the most wretched terms. Mostly I am describing how I behaved when I was faded: mean, totally unloving, and full of self-hate.
Gross.
Then there is the email snooping. I guess when it comes down to it, I still don't trust him. Or maybe I don't trust this level of happiness I have been experiencing with him lately. It's too good and can't last. I'm worried about money, I am worried about several emails that he hasn't erased, I am worried that he's getting complacent about a job that pays 1/3 what we need to survive, never mind thrive. I am worried about my health: I am so tired when I get home from work, my period is weird, what if I have cancer and don't even know it. What if I got sober only to die in like 2 years. What about the STAAR scores? They sucked. Maybe that means I suck. And I miss Lindsey.
I am really good at being funny and full of life when I am out in the world, but when I come home, I feel like a shitty mom, a lazy turd, and a fat bitch. But maybe some of this is getting used to life without medication. Maybe I will be a little sadder, a little more on edge, a lot more critical. But maybe I can do something about it! That's the spirit.
I am going to keep that example of my writing to remind myself of how ugly I could be when I drank. I was able to create not-so-bad sentences, but everything in those words speaks to a dying spirit and a wretchedness that breaks my heart in so many pieces.
But now I am going to do some yoga, and when (not if) my children interrupt me, I am just going to pause the thing and go hug them. Because they are my miracles and I want to always take advantage of being able to look in their eyes and tell them i love them. And I really miss Lindsey, but I want to feel it all these days, no matter what.
Gross.
Then there is the email snooping. I guess when it comes down to it, I still don't trust him. Or maybe I don't trust this level of happiness I have been experiencing with him lately. It's too good and can't last. I'm worried about money, I am worried about several emails that he hasn't erased, I am worried that he's getting complacent about a job that pays 1/3 what we need to survive, never mind thrive. I am worried about my health: I am so tired when I get home from work, my period is weird, what if I have cancer and don't even know it. What if I got sober only to die in like 2 years. What about the STAAR scores? They sucked. Maybe that means I suck. And I miss Lindsey.
I am really good at being funny and full of life when I am out in the world, but when I come home, I feel like a shitty mom, a lazy turd, and a fat bitch. But maybe some of this is getting used to life without medication. Maybe I will be a little sadder, a little more on edge, a lot more critical. But maybe I can do something about it! That's the spirit.
I am going to keep that example of my writing to remind myself of how ugly I could be when I drank. I was able to create not-so-bad sentences, but everything in those words speaks to a dying spirit and a wretchedness that breaks my heart in so many pieces.
But now I am going to do some yoga, and when (not if) my children interrupt me, I am just going to pause the thing and go hug them. Because they are my miracles and I want to always take advantage of being able to look in their eyes and tell them i love them. And I really miss Lindsey, but I want to feel it all these days, no matter what.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Gratitudes, June 6th
So much goodness in my life. There always was, I just hadn't trained my brain how to find it. Starting out the morning with 1-2 cups of coffee (black today and not bad), a breakfast that sticks to the gut, and yoga. Oh this yoga is amazing. I feel so powerful and strong and GOOD about myself. The instructors aren't talking about my body as a piece of meat to look at, but as a blessing of strength and movement and breath. It's brilliant to focus on the breathing and feel the power of my muscles and my spirit. Then I am ready to focus on kids and playing. Five hours later, the McCombs boys leave and I rest, take care of whatever business needs tending to, and I start dinner. Jeff calls as he walks to the bus and tells me about his day. I feel incredibly drowsy and half-listen to the details because I care so much more about the tone: peaceful, happy with accomplishments, okay with ambiguity, he gets it.
Jeff comes home and we eat together. He puts a ballgame on tv and Eddie, Jeff and I make each other laugh. Maggie finds us eventually and she and Jeff sing a Sesame Street song he's taught her from his youth. It's unbelievably cute and idyllic and it's my life. What?
Later, as I fold laundry, a thought creeps into my head that if only I'd had this happy life all along, then maybe I wouldn't have developed such a nasty drinking problem. And just like that I notice that thought and I kind of want to murder it. Thoughts like that try to convince you that it's okay to drink, when the truth is drinking only wanted more drinking. I told Jeff to go to the restaurant. I liked that he wasn't around and I was able to do whatever the fuck I wanted. I wanted that for awhile. But this fucked up little part of my brain wanted to see if it could pull its little bullshit tricks on me. Nope.
Because that's another gratitude for the list: I can see my disease. And I respect that it's there and probably always will be, but it doesn't get a seat on the bus. It's fucking transient, it has no home. It's there but it gets no air time, only enough for me to rail at. But thank you fucked up thoughts. Thank you for reminding me that I am no better, no more evolved, no less an addict than any of the ladies on my FB feed that I was thinking of abandoning because I just feel so good and whole today; because I am still a person with a sick brain, I just choose life and light and love over dependency, darkness and shame.
So grateful. So great. So full. Good night.
Jeff comes home and we eat together. He puts a ballgame on tv and Eddie, Jeff and I make each other laugh. Maggie finds us eventually and she and Jeff sing a Sesame Street song he's taught her from his youth. It's unbelievably cute and idyllic and it's my life. What?
Later, as I fold laundry, a thought creeps into my head that if only I'd had this happy life all along, then maybe I wouldn't have developed such a nasty drinking problem. And just like that I notice that thought and I kind of want to murder it. Thoughts like that try to convince you that it's okay to drink, when the truth is drinking only wanted more drinking. I told Jeff to go to the restaurant. I liked that he wasn't around and I was able to do whatever the fuck I wanted. I wanted that for awhile. But this fucked up little part of my brain wanted to see if it could pull its little bullshit tricks on me. Nope.
Because that's another gratitude for the list: I can see my disease. And I respect that it's there and probably always will be, but it doesn't get a seat on the bus. It's fucking transient, it has no home. It's there but it gets no air time, only enough for me to rail at. But thank you fucked up thoughts. Thank you for reminding me that I am no better, no more evolved, no less an addict than any of the ladies on my FB feed that I was thinking of abandoning because I just feel so good and whole today; because I am still a person with a sick brain, I just choose life and light and love over dependency, darkness and shame.
So grateful. So great. So full. Good night.
Monday, June 5, 2017
Monday, June 5th
The first day of official vacation. I have felt ambivalent all weekend. Not ecstatic. Not extremely anything. I feel a need to proceed cautiously, soberly (obviously), calmly, and intentionally into my summer. I feel a lot of self-imposed pressure to accomplish every goal and fix every flaw, but I won't set unrealistic expectations for myself.
I am using my agenda to record my Lexapro consumption, meals, snacks, daily exercise and meditation and a "mood" rating for the day over-all. I saw a short video of the Dali Lama talking about the characteristics of all of the world's major religions. He said all religions are based on love , compassion, etc. but the word that stood out to me was self-discipline. I have achieved the self discipline of sobriety, and it wasn't easy to change this habit, but it has been incredibly trans-formative. Next I want to take the self-discipline to daily yoga practice, daily journaling on this space, meditation, sitting and being still.
Last night Angela and Cynthia came by with Cynthia's son Harry. Eddie and Harry immediately hit it off in a way I have not seen ever. They bonded on performance and acting of all things. To see Eddie immediately engage this kid in creating a skit and wanting me to record it was so inspiring. After they left, Eddie said he hopes Angela and Cynthia get married so Harry can be his cousin for real. It was so beautiful and it really made me feel the need to get over my resentment of Angela. I don't know why I feel this way about her. This frustration with her stems from really hating conflict of any kind. I resent that she has this drama in her life. She is supposed to be steady and together! Quit having problems, Ang. Quit choosing stupid. That's really unfair. I need to proceed with way more compassion. Acceptance. I can't let my fear that she is going to mess up her life get in the way of having an authentic relationship. This visit will help.
Jeff is so stressed out about money and co-dependent me wants to solve all of his problems too. I can't stand to see him worried or stressed. I immediately want to fill him with good feeling and take away any feelings of inadequacy or pain or self-doubt. Part of this is my co-dependent nature. I need to let that shit go. Part of it is important: for so long we didn't communicate at all. Reading about his personality type yesterday was amazing. He is a care-taker. He feels responsible for taking care of his family, and the fact that he is not making money is making him feel like a "loser." This isn't in itself a bad thing. But I need to let him express whatever he's feeling. I can't treat people like they exist for my amusement, security, etc. Quit the co-dependent shit. Listen to him express his feelings, validate and reassure, like you do so well, but don't try to silence his feelings or take responsibility for his feelings. Just let them be. Like the wave. Let them flow. It will be okay.
Okay. This is enough confessional journaling. Now I want to write something fun.
Will this be humanity's future? Why or why not?
The image is of a human face. Half has illustration/drawing of a robot face. So the question is will human beings turn into robots? Literally, no. But figuratively, I think many of us are. As long as we are being controlled by advertising, news, relationships, addictions, etc, people are like robots. Robots and technology are cool but they lack a soul. The soul is what makes us human. I can see in media, especially commercials in between my Hulu show, how desperately advertisers are trying to control people. It's disgusting. I miss the unit on advertising that I used to teach. I wonder if I could weave that into my curriculum for school. But what is my fear? That we are being controlled. Told what to like, what we need to fit in, be happy, survive and none of it is feeding our souls. None of it is filling us up. None of it is real. None of it connects us to Spirit/God; it's all deceptive and destructive and deceitful. It's all of it lies. That's why I want to create this self-discipline for myself. I think I can be satisfied with doing nothing if I also have a level of self-discipline about my life, so that I feel that I am steering the ship toward the light of Spirit and truth. There are so many distractions on this earth that can lead to misery, pain, isolation, my objective is to steer the boat in a way that calls to other people. Namely my children. I want them to know they can always find me and I will do everything I can to help them and lead them to goodness and truth and safety and love. It all really comes back to what I believe my purpose to be: freedom and love and light.
Now to accomplish some tasks so I can manage my anxiety!
I am using my agenda to record my Lexapro consumption, meals, snacks, daily exercise and meditation and a "mood" rating for the day over-all. I saw a short video of the Dali Lama talking about the characteristics of all of the world's major religions. He said all religions are based on love , compassion, etc. but the word that stood out to me was self-discipline. I have achieved the self discipline of sobriety, and it wasn't easy to change this habit, but it has been incredibly trans-formative. Next I want to take the self-discipline to daily yoga practice, daily journaling on this space, meditation, sitting and being still.
Last night Angela and Cynthia came by with Cynthia's son Harry. Eddie and Harry immediately hit it off in a way I have not seen ever. They bonded on performance and acting of all things. To see Eddie immediately engage this kid in creating a skit and wanting me to record it was so inspiring. After they left, Eddie said he hopes Angela and Cynthia get married so Harry can be his cousin for real. It was so beautiful and it really made me feel the need to get over my resentment of Angela. I don't know why I feel this way about her. This frustration with her stems from really hating conflict of any kind. I resent that she has this drama in her life. She is supposed to be steady and together! Quit having problems, Ang. Quit choosing stupid. That's really unfair. I need to proceed with way more compassion. Acceptance. I can't let my fear that she is going to mess up her life get in the way of having an authentic relationship. This visit will help.
Jeff is so stressed out about money and co-dependent me wants to solve all of his problems too. I can't stand to see him worried or stressed. I immediately want to fill him with good feeling and take away any feelings of inadequacy or pain or self-doubt. Part of this is my co-dependent nature. I need to let that shit go. Part of it is important: for so long we didn't communicate at all. Reading about his personality type yesterday was amazing. He is a care-taker. He feels responsible for taking care of his family, and the fact that he is not making money is making him feel like a "loser." This isn't in itself a bad thing. But I need to let him express whatever he's feeling. I can't treat people like they exist for my amusement, security, etc. Quit the co-dependent shit. Listen to him express his feelings, validate and reassure, like you do so well, but don't try to silence his feelings or take responsibility for his feelings. Just let them be. Like the wave. Let them flow. It will be okay.
Okay. This is enough confessional journaling. Now I want to write something fun.
Will this be humanity's future? Why or why not?
The image is of a human face. Half has illustration/drawing of a robot face. So the question is will human beings turn into robots? Literally, no. But figuratively, I think many of us are. As long as we are being controlled by advertising, news, relationships, addictions, etc, people are like robots. Robots and technology are cool but they lack a soul. The soul is what makes us human. I can see in media, especially commercials in between my Hulu show, how desperately advertisers are trying to control people. It's disgusting. I miss the unit on advertising that I used to teach. I wonder if I could weave that into my curriculum for school. But what is my fear? That we are being controlled. Told what to like, what we need to fit in, be happy, survive and none of it is feeding our souls. None of it is filling us up. None of it is real. None of it connects us to Spirit/God; it's all deceptive and destructive and deceitful. It's all of it lies. That's why I want to create this self-discipline for myself. I think I can be satisfied with doing nothing if I also have a level of self-discipline about my life, so that I feel that I am steering the ship toward the light of Spirit and truth. There are so many distractions on this earth that can lead to misery, pain, isolation, my objective is to steer the boat in a way that calls to other people. Namely my children. I want them to know they can always find me and I will do everything I can to help them and lead them to goodness and truth and safety and love. It all really comes back to what I believe my purpose to be: freedom and love and light.
Now to accomplish some tasks so I can manage my anxiety!
Sunday, June 4, 2017
The Shame Wave Pt. 1
The memories that E has of my drinking. "Remember the time we went to those people's house? We ate ribs and all the kids went into the bedroom to watch a movie because we couldn't leave because you were too drunk to drive?" Like a slap in the face. And my first impulse is to be MAD at him. Like who do you think you are to shove that in my face? How disrespectful. Then comes the shame wave. You are angry because you are defensive. And you are shocked because you think that because you are sober, he shouldn't remember any of your bad behavior. How RUDE.
The worst part of the shame wave is when it hits. The shock of initial impact. Then you realize what is happening and you let it wash. Stay still and let it wash. Don't run away and make it into something else. Just sit and let it come. Later on I think about the positives:
The worst part of the shame wave is when it hits. The shock of initial impact. Then you realize what is happening and you let it wash. Stay still and let it wash. Don't run away and make it into something else. Just sit and let it come. Later on I think about the positives:
- His memory is of me drunk, true, but he also remembers what I did when I couldn't drive: I didn't. I asked for help and I told the truth. I got a ride home that day. I didn't black out, I didn't leave my kids, I didn't hit anyone, yell, scream or start making out with strangers. I admitted my mistake and I did my best to keep people safe.
- I don't drink anymore because I can't have just one. Whenever I drank, I wanted all of the alcohol at the party. It was physically painful to stop once I started. This is not a moral failing on my part, it's what happens when my body/brain has that drug. So I don't drink anymore. Because I couldn't stand being in that situation anymore.
- I have the perfect platform to talk about drinking and drugs with my kid. My own experiences. I didn't choose to be an alcoholic and I probably could not do anything to prevent it, but I also made some choices that made it inevitable that I would have a problem:
- I started drinking at 14.
- I hid it, stole it and told lies about it from the beginning.
- I believed that without alcohol I could not have fun.
- I based all my friendships on whether or not people drank/how much of my drunken behavior they would tolerate. So I hung out with people I didn't really like if they could get me drugs/alcohol or at least wouldn't judge my bad behavior.
- I blamed everyone for all of my problems. I didn't take responsibility for myself.
- I chose to drink. Again and again and again. Even when I hurt other people, let people down, failed at school and work, and most especially, even though it was killing my spirit and hurting my brain and body. I didn't know how to stop.
- I needed help to stop. I needed to read about other people quitting before I had the tools and the guts to quit myself. It was really fucking hard and I have to think about it every single day for the rest of my life.
- I love myself anyway. I am so grateful for everything I have. I am determined to live my life to the fullest, maybe because I spent so much time numbing and feeling like such a loser. It is possible to recover, but it will be a huge part of your life and many people don't make it. You are gambling with your life. You are a miracle and all of this is amazing, so it is insane to put drugs in your body. No high is as good as the feeling you get from feeling true love, exercise and good night's sleep.
So the shame wave sucks, but it has taught me a lot. The main thing is that it will hit, wash, and recede. It will not destroy me. It's not that powerful, but it can teach me if I am willing to listen. Be still and listen.
It's summer vacation and I don't know what to do with myself. I want to accomplish shit, and then there is a voice inside that is telling me that "accomplishment" ain't the point. That maybe I just need to practice being in the moment this summer. Meditation, yoga, sitting and listening, being and appreciating, holding hands with people that I love. These are the things that life is for. Life is weird and wonderful and I am so FULL. Like fit-to-bursting full. Love.
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