Gratitudes, June 6th

So much goodness in my life. There always was, I just hadn't trained my brain how to find it. Starting out the morning with 1-2 cups of coffee (black today and not bad), a breakfast that sticks to the gut, and yoga. Oh this yoga is amazing. I feel so powerful and strong and GOOD about myself. The instructors aren't talking about my body as a piece of meat to look at, but as a blessing of strength and movement and breath. It's brilliant to focus on the breathing and feel the power of my muscles and my spirit. Then I am ready to focus on kids and playing. Five hours later, the McCombs boys leave and I rest, take care of whatever business needs tending to, and I start dinner. Jeff calls as he walks to the bus and tells me about his day. I feel incredibly drowsy and half-listen to the details because I care so much more about the tone: peaceful, happy with accomplishments, okay with ambiguity, he gets it.

Jeff comes home and we eat together. He puts a ballgame on tv and Eddie, Jeff and I make each other laugh. Maggie finds us eventually and she and Jeff sing a Sesame Street song he's taught her from his youth. It's unbelievably cute and idyllic and it's my life. What?

Later, as I fold laundry, a thought creeps into my head that if only I'd had this happy life all along, then maybe I wouldn't have developed such a nasty drinking problem.  And just like that I notice that thought and I kind of want to murder it. Thoughts like that try to convince you that it's okay to drink, when the truth is drinking only wanted more drinking. I told Jeff to go to the restaurant. I liked that he wasn't around and I was able to do whatever the fuck I wanted. I wanted that for awhile. But this fucked up little part of my brain wanted to see if it could pull its little bullshit tricks on me.  Nope.

Because that's another gratitude for the list: I can see my disease. And I respect that it's there and probably always will be, but it doesn't get a seat on the bus. It's fucking transient, it has no home. It's there but it gets no air time, only enough for me to rail at. But thank you fucked up thoughts. Thank you for reminding me that I am no better, no more evolved, no less an addict than any of the ladies on my FB feed that I was thinking of abandoning because I just feel so good and whole today; because I am still a person with a sick brain, I just choose life and light and love over dependency, darkness and shame.

So grateful. So great. So full. Good night.