Freak Out, June 14

I found something I wrote in 2013, clearly drunk or at least tipsy. It was toward the end of my first year at IDEA, and I am listing ideas to prepare for the following year. I wrote a small description of domestic life and it is the most depressing thing I have ever read. The mean, nasty verbiage paints a picture of palpable self-loathing. I am describing a night at home with Eddie and Jeff in the most wretched terms. Mostly I am describing how I behaved when I was faded: mean, totally unloving, and full of self-hate.

Gross.

Then there is the email snooping. I guess when it comes down to it, I still don't trust him. Or maybe I don't trust this level of happiness I have been experiencing with him lately. It's too good and can't last. I'm worried about money, I am worried about several emails that he hasn't erased, I am worried that he's getting complacent about a job that pays 1/3 what we need to survive, never mind thrive. I am worried about my health: I am so tired when I get home from work, my period is weird, what if I have cancer and don't even know it. What if I got sober only to die in like 2 years. What about the STAAR scores? They sucked. Maybe that means I suck.  And I miss Lindsey.

I am really good at being funny and full of life when I am out in the world, but when I come home, I feel like a shitty mom, a lazy turd, and a fat bitch.  But maybe some of this is getting used to life without medication. Maybe I will be a little sadder, a little more on edge, a lot more critical. But maybe I can do something about it!  That's the spirit.

I am going to keep that example of my writing to remind myself of how ugly I could be when I drank. I was able to create not-so-bad sentences, but everything in those words speaks to a dying spirit and a wretchedness that breaks my heart in so many pieces.

But now I am going to do some yoga, and when (not if) my children interrupt me, I am just going to pause the thing and go hug them. Because they are my miracles and I want to always take advantage of being able to look in their eyes and tell them i love them.  And I really miss Lindsey, but I want to feel it all these days, no matter what.