I haven't taken Lexapro...(had to count it up with my calendar on which I have been recording, though sporadically, my Lexapro consumption, food, exercise, and activities)...in TWO weeks. And here are just some of the differences I have felt:
- less hungry or at least less obsessed with food, meals, and eating in general. More about this below.
- more compelled to write! Like I have words that want to, need to burst forth onto the page. If I don't get to writing I feel physically uncomfortable. New day, new journal. I have a lot to say! Also, more about this below.
- I feel pretty good in the morning: I was able to sleep late today, which was glorious. I am in a good, level mood. I enjoy my coffee and I feel motivated to do the things.
- Evenings are harder. They feel a bit like early sobriety. I feel down, just less able to control my swirling thoughts that are 90% negative, but there is the voice of reason that reminds me to be nonjudgmental about these thoughts, to get outside myself and just observe, to not let myself get sucked into the bullshit that my mind is trying to suck me into. Thoughts are worries about the future and then I feel bad, sad, and guilty for not being something other than I am. Pretty much all anxiety relates to money. More about this below.
The benefits of being off the Lexapro: a desire and a need to write and cultivate an inner life and oddly maybe, the variance in moods, have me feeling really confident about my decision to stop the Lexapro. In my first year of sobriety, I needed all the help I could get: all the mood stabilizers and all the ice cream I could get my hands on. Now I am feeling stronger. I am curious about myself and feeling so incredibly loving toward myself. The self-hatred is gone. It lingers as a very vivid memory, but it is so obviously bullshit that I can't really understand how I fell into this trap other than the fact that I was an adolescent girl in a culture that teaches us to hate ourselves.
I feel strongly that my moods and my anxiety are interesting, not devastating. Again, because I don't take these moods personally. I know now that they are not reality. It's the most incredible shift I have made in such a long time. And I can see pretty clearly people who are not awake in this way, and I get really tired thinking about them or even trying to talk to them. Yesterday, Wendi and Jeff had a party for Archer's 8th bday and all of the families were there. It was totally overwhelming, but I didn't react in a David Stroud way. I was able to socialize and talk just fine, but by 3 hours I had a headache and heartburn and I knew I needed to bounce. It was overwhelming because of small talk. I was interested in talking about what I am interested in: myself :), books, and my desire to write; I was exhausted talking about everything else.
It wasn't that the topics were horrible, I am motivated to clean out my garage thanks to Sarah's description of organizing her house and cleaning out her trash. It was the superficial nature of each conversation because of the nature of a party: you bounce around from person to person and every conversation is superficial. People are drinking, so they feel like they're talking about real things, but because I am sober, I am not getting the same satisfaction from each interaction. I think it's helpful to analyze my feelings so that I don't fall into the trap of thinking that certain people aren't my friends. Or I fall into feelings of separateness. The ability to discern feelings of dissatisfaction from actual hatred of certain people is pretty huge. I have noticed my feelings of anger or wanting to hate certain people, it's a habit of my brain. Now I notice it, and I think about it for a minute, and I don't beat myself up, but I acknowledge that the thought is not synonymous with me, it's just a thought.
My goals for today: Goodwill run, scrub floors, bathrooms, and trash cans. Clean out the fridge. Find names of doctors: gyno for me, well-checks for kids, dentist for all.
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