June 20th, New Day

Lesson number 1 of early sobriety: All feelings are fleeting. Wherever you feel you are, you can count on the feeling, the situation, and the circumstances surrounding the feeling to change. Of course, there are things you can DO to change things, but very little is up to you- it's going to change with or without your participation.  All you can do is decide on the attitude you will adopt when everything is going on: acceptance and release of judgment, fear, and labeling or calling every unpleasant thought depression or anxiety.

For me, everything worked out with Dad. He was sent home with orders to exercise and eat better. I asked him to please take care of himself, and of course, I cried and was sad, but I was also able to move through the feeling of anxiety and sadness when I realized that either way, I have zero control over what he chooses to do with his life and body.  I would be willing to have him live with us, but I need to work on accepting that I cannot control anything about how he chooses to live or die. If I want to step up to this responsibility, I need to really look deeply at my motivation and work at letting shit go.

I had a convo with Lisa and one with Angela. I could hear the concern in both of them about my choice to stop the Lexapro. I was able to articulate why I am quitting and how it's hard, but why to me, it's worth it. When I quit drinking and smoking pot, I learned SO much about myself. Drinking and smoking are all about escapism for me. I learned to run away from unpleasantness day 1! In order to grow, I needed to stay and let the shit wash over me. Face my fears. This is the same fucking thing.

How can I be an artist (and I don't mean famous, published, or even good) if I run away from life? Feeling sad, and scared, and jubilant, and bored, and excited, and mad is being alive.  I don't hallucinate, hear voices, suffer from acute anxiety that has me unable to leave the bed.  I don't have multiple personalities, or mania, or suicidal tendencies. I am extremely sensitive, so life can be a fucking job. But I am not tired all of the time anymore, and I have the skills to pay the bills, and I am here.

And I want to DO things. I don't want to just be here, feeling pretty good all of the time. I don't want my marriage to implode because I am paranoid or resentful or unable to control my anxiety, but it doesn't have to. I can listen to my body and give it what it needs: yoga, sleep, food, rest, activity, etc. Listen to my body and trust it. Listen to my spirit guides and trust them, too. Trying to figure out what is going on with me takes time and effort. It's only when we are taught not to trust ourselves, or we just can't be bothered that problems arise.

I am feeling powerful and amazing today. I love myself, children, husband, family, and friends. I love every student I have ever taught, and the opportunity to do good. I love the city I live in, my state, and all of the beauty and blessings therein. Grateful for all of it. The pain is my teacher, so I love you too, pain.