The Shame Wave Pt. 1

The memories that E has of my drinking. "Remember the time we went to those people's house? We ate ribs and all the kids went into the bedroom to watch a movie because we couldn't leave because you were too drunk to drive?"  Like a slap in the face.  And my first impulse is to be MAD at him. Like who do you think you are to shove that in my face?  How disrespectful.  Then comes the shame wave. You are angry because you are defensive. And you are shocked because you think that because you are sober, he shouldn't remember any of your bad behavior.  How RUDE.

The worst part of the shame wave is when it hits. The shock of initial impact. Then you realize what is happening and you let it wash.  Stay still and let it wash.  Don't run away and make it into something else. Just sit and let it come. Later on I think about the positives:

1.  His memory is of me drunk, true, but he also remembers what I did when I couldn't drive: I didn't. I asked for help and I told the truth. I got a ride home that day. I didn't black out, I didn't leave my kids, I didn't hit anyone, yell, scream or start making out with strangers. I admitted my mistake and I did my best to keep people safe. 
2. I don't drink anymore because I can't have just one. Whenever I drank, I wanted all of the alcohol at the party. It was physically painful to stop once I started. This is not a moral failing on my part, it's what happens when my body/brain has that drug. So I don't drink anymore. Because I couldn't stand being in that situation anymore.
3. I have the perfect platform to talk about drinking and drugs with my kid. My own experiences. I didn't choose to be an alcoholic and I probably could not do anything to prevent it, but I also made some choices that made it inevitable that I would have a problem:
1. I started drinking at 14.
2. I hid it, stole it and told lies about it from the beginning.
3. I believed that without alcohol I could not have fun.
4. I based all my friendships on whether or not people drank/how much of my drunken behavior they would tolerate. So I hung out with people I didn't really like if they could get me drugs/alcohol or at least wouldn't judge my bad behavior.
5. I blamed everyone for all of my problems. I didn't take responsibility for myself.
6. I chose to drink. Again and again and again. Even when I hurt other people, let people down, failed at school and work, and most especially, even though it was killing my spirit and hurting my brain and body. I didn't know how to stop. 
7. I needed help to stop.  I needed to read about other people quitting before I had the tools and the guts to quit myself. It was really fucking hard and I have to think about it every single day for the rest of my life.
8. I love myself anyway. I am so grateful for everything I have. I am determined to live my life to the fullest, maybe because I spent so much time numbing and feeling like such a loser. It is possible to recover, but it will be a huge part of your life and many people don't make it. You are gambling with your life. You are a miracle and all of this is amazing, so it is insane to put drugs in your body. No high is as good as the feeling you get from feeling true love, exercise and good night's sleep.

So the shame wave sucks, but it has taught me a lot.  The main thing is that it will hit, wash, and recede.  It will not destroy me.  It's not that powerful, but it can teach me if I am willing to listen.  Be still and listen.

It's summer vacation and I don't know what to do with myself.  I want to accomplish shit, and then there is a voice inside that is telling me that "accomplishment" ain't the point.  That maybe I just need to practice being in the moment this summer.  Meditation, yoga, sitting and listening, being and appreciating, holding hands with people that I love.  These are the things that life is for.  Life is weird and wonderful and I am so FULL. Like fit-to-bursting full.  Love.