June 19th

Dad is in the hospital with an obstructed bowel. I am finding it hard to maintain the same level of mood stability and optimism that I had in the last 2 weeks. Jeff is certainly noticing my "roller coaster of emotions" but I am not all that concerned about changing myself to make him more comfortable. This feels like I've said, like early sobriety. Which sucks, but I know I can handle it. Lexapro made me feel like everything was awesome all the time. Not euphoric, but like I didn't have a care in the world. But I do have cares. A lot of them. There are shit loads of things that need my attention. I need some of my natural anxiety to keep me motivated and productive. I just need to learn how to control my tendencies to snap at people and be a bitch.

But to that end, my dad (who is sick in many ways) is in the hospital and I don't know what's going on because he doesn't tell me the whole story. Worries fly through my head like, will I have to go and take care of him? If he goes through surgery, I would like to be there, because what if he doesn't make it? And is it an excessive worry when you lose 3 people in 30 days like I have this spring? So I need to give myself structure: Get up by 7 am, coffee, write, work, Yoga, eat conscientiously, read and write with my babies, organize something. Give thanks for the break in routine that summer provides. For the opportunity to tend to other parts of my metaphorical garden. Give thanks for a husband who appears committed to family and working hard. Try to not to suspect that he is forever carrying on an affair. Try not to hold on to anger and resentment.

That's the major thing coming up right now: anger and resentment. I thought I was over it, but apparently, without Lexapro's help, I am right where I left off when I started the damn pills.  That can't be, tho. It can't be possible that I didn't really make that progress. I just feel like my brain needs some rewiring. Now I've got to figure out if it will be harder, or if I can do it in the same ways I quit alcohol.