The first day of official vacation. I have felt ambivalent all weekend. Not ecstatic. Not extremely anything. I feel a need to proceed cautiously, soberly (obviously), calmly, and intentionally into my summer. I feel a lot of self-imposed pressure to accomplish every goal and fix every flaw, but I won't set unrealistic expectations for myself.
I am using my agenda to record my Lexapro consumption, meals, snacks, daily exercise and meditation and a "mood" rating for the day over-all. I saw a short video of the Dali Lama talking about the characteristics of all of the world's major religions. He said all religions are based on love , compassion, etc. but the word that stood out to me was self-discipline. I have achieved the self discipline of sobriety, and it wasn't easy to change this habit, but it has been incredibly trans-formative. Next I want to take the self-discipline to daily yoga practice, daily journaling on this space, meditation, sitting and being still.
Last night Angela and Cynthia came by with Cynthia's son Harry. Eddie and Harry immediately hit it off in a way I have not seen ever. They bonded on performance and acting of all things. To see Eddie immediately engage this kid in creating a skit and wanting me to record it was so inspiring. After they left, Eddie said he hopes Angela and Cynthia get married so Harry can be his cousin for real. It was so beautiful and it really made me feel the need to get over my resentment of Angela. I don't know why I feel this way about her. This frustration with her stems from really hating conflict of any kind. I resent that she has this drama in her life. She is supposed to be steady and together! Quit having problems, Ang. Quit choosing stupid. That's really unfair. I need to proceed with way more compassion. Acceptance. I can't let my fear that she is going to mess up her life get in the way of having an authentic relationship. This visit will help.
Jeff is so stressed out about money and co-dependent me wants to solve all of his problems too. I can't stand to see him worried or stressed. I immediately want to fill him with good feeling and take away any feelings of inadequacy or pain or self-doubt. Part of this is my co-dependent nature. I need to let that shit go. Part of it is important: for so long we didn't communicate at all. Reading about his personality type yesterday was amazing. He is a care-taker. He feels responsible for taking care of his family, and the fact that he is not making money is making him feel like a "loser." This isn't in itself a bad thing. But I need to let him express whatever he's feeling. I can't treat people like they exist for my amusement, security, etc. Quit the co-dependent shit. Listen to him express his feelings, validate and reassure, like you do so well, but don't try to silence his feelings or take responsibility for his feelings. Just let them be. Like the wave. Let them flow. It will be okay.
Okay. This is enough confessional journaling. Now I want to write something fun.
Will this be humanity's future? Why or why not?
The image is of a human face. Half has illustration/drawing of a robot face. So the question is will human beings turn into robots? Literally, no. But figuratively, I think many of us are. As long as we are being controlled by advertising, news, relationships, addictions, etc, people are like robots. Robots and technology are cool but they lack a soul. The soul is what makes us human. I can see in media, especially commercials in between my Hulu show, how desperately advertisers are trying to control people. It's disgusting. I miss the unit on advertising that I used to teach. I wonder if I could weave that into my curriculum for school. But what is my fear? That we are being controlled. Told what to like, what we need to fit in, be happy, survive and none of it is feeding our souls. None of it is filling us up. None of it is real. None of it connects us to Spirit/God; it's all deceptive and destructive and deceitful. It's all of it lies. That's why I want to create this self-discipline for myself. I think I can be satisfied with doing nothing if I also have a level of self-discipline about my life, so that I feel that I am steering the ship toward the light of Spirit and truth. There are so many distractions on this earth that can lead to misery, pain, isolation, my objective is to steer the boat in a way that calls to other people. Namely my children. I want them to know they can always find me and I will do everything I can to help them and lead them to goodness and truth and safety and love. It all really comes back to what I believe my purpose to be: freedom and love and light.
Now to accomplish some tasks so I can manage my anxiety!
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