It's Fathers Day, so naturally, I am going to fail as a spouse and fight with Jeff. It really does feel inevitable. Lately, I have been feeling ambivalent. Not all of the time, but there are certainly waves of whatever that flow through my brain. Then there are the moments of watching/hearing him play with Eddie and I know that I am doing the right thing. It's hard to be patient when it feels like for the last 10 years I have been focused and determined to figure out my career, and your spouse has been decidedly less engaged in a similar process.I don't care about being rich, and some of my friends seem like they're rich. Or maybe they just pretend to be and really they are in mega-debt. I don't really know. But lately, I am feeling badly about my house, my bank account, etc. But with my job, I can't really do shit about it. I guess I could look into being a grader for TEA, or research extra work for teachers, and maybe I will. I am encouraged that Jeff feels like he is improving at his job. I need to stay positive. I can feel myself being irritable with him and pulling away. I know that when I started taking Lexapro, I was much nicer and less irritable. I really don't want to take medication just to be a nicer person. I would like to think I could be "nice" naturally. What the fuck? Maybe I just need to find a forum for people like me.
Ok, I just read some threads about people quitting their SSRI medication and I am determined NOT to be like that. First of all, I am not suffering from horrible, debilitating symptoms as described on these websites, Secondly, I refuse to live like that. I don't even want to think that way. I have taken plenty of drugs in my life, and every time I was different. It's an experience. But I refuse to feel like a victim, or like my depression/anxiety/irritability problems are inevitable or a curse. I can and will practice positive behaviors to help me manage my issues: depression, anxiety which results in irritability and poor stress response. I can do this.
Now to think about Jeff and how much I appreciate him.
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