morning musings

I started working out again at the end of October. It was hard to get started. I felt creaky and fat. and tired.  But I had Wanderlust--a spiritual triathlon yoga festival and 5k to prepare for.  With this goal in mind, I downloaded Couch to 5k for the 100th time, and I started run/walking and doing yoga.  Well, I ran nearly all of the 5k, did yoga like a champ, loved the shit out of the mindfulness meditation, and felt like I had broken right open in my whole heart.  And even though I loved it, it also hurt to be so vulnerable. I realize that I hate being vulnerable and left open to an extent.  I have learned to love it and be really pretty good at it in certain situations, but others leave me closed off to the world, hostile, and angry.  And when I am busy shielding my vulnerability from people, my empathy turns off like a light switch.

I tried to explain to Edwin why I don't want him to drink alcohol as a young guy.  It sounded desperate and scary in my head, my voice did, but I know that just by talking about it, I am doing something.  If and when he takes a drink before he moves out on his own, he will be armed with the knowledge and understanding that mom and dad do not approve and there will be no permissiveness around drinking or drugs in our home. When he's an adult, or even just old enough to be in college and on his own, I want him to know that there are people who can drink in a "healthy" way, but alcohol is a neurotoxin and therefore not healthy in any way.  Just know what you are ingesting and choosing for your body and be mindful.  I would be happy if no one drank anywhere ever again.  You are just making the peddlers of poison rich off your illness.

And for the first time, I feel like I really made love and received pleasure.  My mantra was "You deserve pleasure."  And the difference was, I wasn't trying to perform for Jeff.  I wasn't trying to be this amazing giver of pleasure.  I was just completely there in the kissing and all of it.  And it was hot as shit.  We both felt amazing during and after and it was so, so good.  This wellness journey, this recovering of me-who I am really is about so much more than sobriety; tho sobriety is what makes it all possible.  And I understand that it threatens people who know that I am vibrating at a higher, much higher consciousness than they are.  You are scared of me because I represent change, and change hurts.  But you know I am right.  You know that your days as a "party" person are by definition limited.  You can do all of the working-out and dieting that you want, but it all catches us in the end.  Choose to know thyself and you will be free.  Namaste, bitches.